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Post by bedeep on Sept 2, 2016 22:33:44 GMT
San Francisco was like that. Here, though, it's pretty car-centric.
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Post by sainte on Sept 2, 2016 22:41:19 GMT
My city is very similar to San Fran in lots of ways.. Minus the fog and trams.. It's gay central..
How is cousin behaving?
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Post by bedeep on Sept 3, 2016 12:11:28 GMT
I get the sense she is doing her best to pretend I am already not here. Like, I didn't notice yesterday afternoon that she had gone out (she never lets me know anymore) and when I let a cat out the front, I put the bolt on the door. We have no key to that, so when she got back she had to ring the bell and I had to ascertain she was not in one of her closed-door rooms up here and then go down and open the door. (The bolt on when we are both here is her rule, of course.)
I said "I had no idea you were out!" and she said "I went to my class." Presumably a hot yoga class or the like. She struggled to get two large hula hoops in the door and I offered to take one and she refused my help and I really got the message "go away now" so I went.
However she also the day before had called me from her work and offered to pick me up when she went grocery shopping, but I already had arrangements to go with a friend.
So it's a mixed bag. I am just concentrating on staying out of fear, and since my compost exercise yesterday I feel quite calm. As long as I don't start trying to find a place! I wonder if I am supposed to just quit looking? Nah, that can't be right....
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Post by bedeep on Sept 4, 2016 21:25:57 GMT
So after about a day and a half of solid inner peace, I started working away again this morning, taking the approach that what I am being asked to do is prepare to go full nomad. Meaning, only what I can physically carry. This may end up happening, and it might be really okay, but the process of letting go of some things -- things I might not after all have to let go of but that makes it harder, so, yeah -- is pretty rough. I have a few things that have brought me a sense of home and "my space" in many locations, that are not things I could physically carry around. Two handwoven rugs that were given to me, irreplaceable. Some tools. Not to mention my crystals. Generally I can pack things and do it in such a way that if I end up shipping them or keeping them somehow, they're ready to go but if not, they're also ready to go. So that's the current plan. I did some of that, and made progress sorting my clothes into keep and discard piles that is not stuff I care about at all. Except for the fact that it will be cold weather soon and I have to make sure to have warm things. Will I be able to pack my coat? These are the considerations of a homeless person, and I try not to think of it that way, but! Dayam!
Spent the morning confronting my feeling of needing these things, and getting past it. I can do that part! But still not having any real positive responses to my search, that's hard. I begin to feel a lot of fear and self-disapproval, on top of the sadness about letting my few cherished things go. It's draining. Try to clear this soon as it starts but, I've got a backlog right now.
My new friend who has offered me and emergency stay at her house emailed some suggestions to me, that were good, but they also made me feel like I wasn't doing this well enough. I needed somebody to say "You're doing really great!" but nobody is offering that feedback. I shouldn't need it, I tell myself.
Not a fun day. And the atmosphere here in the house is really toxic.
Sorry for the downer of a post here, thanks for letting me share.
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Post by dolphin on Sept 4, 2016 23:32:13 GMT
Your post yesterday...I wrote many words & lost it. Started again, and however, refrained.
Firstly, STAY aware that September is a mega, mega time for shift....so things can & will change in an instant.
With the couz's behaviour and those responses back, I felt are a dangerous loop, where the theme & projection I was hearing was Blame. Oddly, I've noticed this in my own circle the last few days.. those tough flying conditions (circumstances) are really testing the pilot.
Because these tough circumstances arise and you can't see ahead I feel there is a deep, unconscious collective cord playing itself out....it is unwittingly, Blame yourself, ourselves, and Life and its creation for these experiences which 'appear' which trial our perceived reality. So we ask 'why, is this happening to me' and or, what have I done to get me this' ?
That blame-game is so slick, as a deep dark disguiser to NOT who we are. Nasty, nasty & nasty illusion.
When I read yesterday's thread, I felt IF your couz was an abusive, manipulative husband, you probably would of walked by now. As a female couz, maybe you can't see it ? 'stuck' maybe, on that family relationship where it clearly smells odd from my end.
I get your couz is soooooo milking you to the core.
I recognize from my old times experiences where there is no where to go, one may have to go where there is an only offer as your ego-vision can second-guess your chances/opportunities. i.e. no, that is not me or no, I can't do that. Mostly those 'places' ahead, are merely stepping-stones. On the other side....
if you feel you are on to something better & good somewhere, as you did a month or two ago & really so positive with it(as it was) & Now you've achieved those itemized things.... then its now, "Getting-Out of the Starting Gates"
You are precious, like Gold, so Hold it. Let this BE your FOCUS only i.e. I-AM, in Command
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Post by bedeep on Sept 5, 2016 0:47:42 GMT
Thank you. Believe me, I am walking out as fast as I can.
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Post by bedeep on Sept 9, 2016 10:23:53 GMT
Posted this on facebook yesterday afternoon:
Here's the latest personal update: I still have no destination. A very kind person, whom I only met via a long phone chat, has assured me that failing all else, I can stay at her house. I do not know how long it would be cool to impose on that hospitality, but I suspect no matter what it would be something of an intrusion.
Time is getting short, seems like, and so far all leads and possibilities for longer term stays have fizzled. I do, I admit, wake up scared at night. I don't like getting to a place where I can't think of what else to explore to solve this, but that's where I got today. That's why I am posting this. I still feel over all that things will work out. My friends advise me they feel this way also, that way will open, the solution will be discovered. Yet radical trust can sure get edgy. My deadline to leave here is September 30.
John D. Liu, the spearhead organizer of the Ecosystem Restoration Camps project commented the other day that the ERCamps project is not a sprint, it is a marathon. And that we need to prepare for that. Well, that's what I am intending to do. What I think I need soon is a temporary place for maybe a couple of months while I continue to look for a more permanent base. I don't think I can impose on my new friend for that length of time. So I am hoping that by putting this out there, something will click somewhere, and a situation will open up. For one thing, I still don't know what the heck to do with my stuff.
I don't have much but if I can avoid losing my garden tools, my three boxes of books, the shoes that work for winter as well as summer and in the garden as well as on a street, my hardcopy writings, my crystals -- etc. -- I will be more at ease. I have been offered also an option of storage, but I don't know for how long, and honestly not sure if that would be better than just letting some (more) things go. And trusting that I will be able to replace them. That, I have learned, is not always as easy as it seems it ought to be.
For long term, and also short if that works out, I really need to be able to have access to nature, to be able to garden or interact with a garden, to be able to offer my creative energy into the situation and contribute with and among people with shared values. I also need good internet in order to continue my work. I do have a little income, so a small rent is possible, but not market-rate. I feel if I can find a short term stay of sufficient length, I can then begin visiting some communities that wisely require such before letting people live there. That could work nicely.
Thanks everyone for your support; it is always appreciated.
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Post by bedeep on Sept 9, 2016 10:27:37 GMT
And today things are moving: I got a ride to the Peace Festival this weekend (tomorrow) where I will be able to connect with some people of like interests (though on the environmental level more than the Ascension level, but who knows?)so I am looking forward to that. Then, my niece offered another storage option that will be friendlier I think. As well, another facebook friend messaged me that she wants to talk, and might know of a place -- yay! And then this morning I saw a post in a group I am a member of, someone with land they are working and looking for people to move up there and participate -- so we shall see. And this, by the way, affirms my decision after years of resisting it to join facebook. It's working for me in a way nothing else could right now. So getting over my trip was the key. hahaha
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Post by aquariann on Sept 9, 2016 14:25:03 GMT
And today things are moving: I got a ride to the Peace Festival this weekend (tomorrow) where I will be able to connect with some people of like interests (though on the environmental level more than the Ascension level, but who knows?)so I am looking forward to that. Then, my niece offered another storage option that will be friendlier I think. As well, another facebook friend messaged me that she wants to talk, and might know of a place -- yay! And then this morning I saw a post in a group I am a member of, someone with land they are working and looking for people to move up there and participate -- so we shall see. And this, by the way, affirms my decision after years of resisting it to join facebook. It's working for me in a way nothing else could right now. So getting over my trip was the key. hahaha It's great to hear that things are moving in a more positive direction for you . Sometimes you just have to let that late night terror flow in and out again , and the next time it's reduced . The body and the emotional self have their own reactions to things , independent of our logical minds .
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Post by bedeep on Sept 11, 2016 15:47:19 GMT
So, yesterday I went to the Richmond Peace Festival. That was fun. Found out the guy who gave me the ride (and is one of the organizers of the still-forming Piedmont Ecovillage, whose booth I helped in all day) actually lives at Autumn Sun, which is the place that never followed through with my emails! He gave me the scoop on the place, and is to come get me today to go out for a visit. It might not be workable; the only place there is right now is an old camper that may be too trashed to occupy but may just need to be really cleaned up. Don't know yet! But it seems like the right step, to check that place out. And I understand about why the emails never went anywhere, I think. It's not really a community, just a bunch of people living on this land, but it still may be a good stepping stone.
My talk with my facebook friend was really good; she does know of a place where someone has a room and needs gardening help. The description my friend gave sounded very good and she is going to put me in touch with that landowner (it's actually a horse farm that teaches animal communication and care, I believe). So.
At the Peace Festival, I felt very good and that there was a lot of light flowing around. I rarely feel good in crowds and tend to avoid large events, but this was really sweet. Some of the people who came into our booth were so clearly lighted, it was nice just to make eye contact and smile! I had a great time though by the end of the day I was really tired. It was quite hot and humid and that was part of what made everyone weary by the end, but I'm glad I went.
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Post by bedeep on Sept 13, 2016 17:35:54 GMT
I may have found it.... my next place. Going to visit on Saturday -- it's a distance, and I'll stay a few days and come back and pack up, if all goes well... Horse farm in southern Connecticut, friend of a friend, we've talked on the phone, she is very helpful and supportive, has room, has a garden that needs attention. So I am focused on all the tasks now... feeling positive about this. Some potential pitfalls but perhaps they will be tiny. At least she is a good communicator and clear in her words and intentions, that helps a lot.
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Post by aquariann on Sept 14, 2016 11:51:44 GMT
That sounds very good ! I hope it's the beginning of something big .
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Post by jnewman77 on Sept 14, 2016 12:41:59 GMT
That does sound good. I love the farm!
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Post by bedeep on Sept 23, 2016 19:16:52 GMT
Time for an update. The Connecticut visit was very good though filled with all manner of interference and little challenges. The situation is not perfect but it is so much better than here, I can work with it. I am wanted there, and that is big. We managed to work out all the basics despite a lot of sudden changes in the Farm Lady's life, such as a granddaughter being born on the morning of the day she and I had arranged to spend time together. We never did get to actually sit down and talk but in snatches, we got it all said. I worked in the vegetable garden for a couple hours; lots can be done with it and it needs me. Be great to get my tools up there. My friend who introduced me to the Farm Lady and whom I had never met in person is really great; she and I did spend time together, went to a wonderful market, and then a thrift store. Friend offered that she and her husband will pick me up once a week to shop as at the market it is Senior Discount Day when they go (15%) and I am on their way anyhow. Nice! Friend also is very happy to have someone to kick around with and will be glad to take me places. So, that's very welcoming. The horses are lovely but I didn't interact except distantly. Saving that for a calmer time in my own life. There are also ducks, geese, a cow, a dog, and a cat named Hoodoo. Ten acres. Across from national forest. Lots to like. My room is larger than the one I am in here and I have a private bathroom. I am really looking forward. Not going to talk about the challenges just yet because, better let that flow for now. Here there is a hassle getting my stuff up there. I have an offer from a local friend to drive me and stuff up to Philadelphia with her when she goes up to a conference on the 6th and Farm Lady will meet us there and take me the rest of the way in her truck. I had the foolish notion Cousin might give me an extra week but no, she has "plans for the room". I further had the foolish notion that I could at least leave my stuff here til the 6th. Nope to that too. Cousin has offered to get me a storage close by and to take my stuff there when I am ready to have it moved. So okay. Local Friend is cool with this as she will put me up but doesn't really have room for my stuff for a week, the room she will give me to stay in has stuff in already. So. Okay. I really do not feel happy about having Cousin involved with moving my stuff but, no choice it seems. She can well afford it, and so. The trip up to visit Connecticut on the bus was really bad, as the buses we had were old and the seats were bad. My back was not happy. But coming back the bus was newer with better seats and I had both seats so could stretch out, no back pain. The wifi was stupid, kept popping up this big orange ad for discounted motel rooms and telling me to Book Now! every time I changed a page. Fuck that noise. And I had to sign up to this stupid thing called Badoo which is a social network from hell, that kept telling me "6 people want to see your photograph!" Good grief on a hocky stick with hot sauce. But all worth it. Very interesting people watching, too. That's me story for now.
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Post by jnewman77 on Sept 23, 2016 19:29:20 GMT
Wonderful! and in the nick of time! So happy everything worked out for you. Thank the cosmos! "The wifi was stupid, kept popping up this big orange ad for discounted motel rooms and telling me to Book Now! every time I changed a page. Fuck that noise. And I had to sign up to this stupid thing called Badoo which is a social network from hell, that kept telling me "6 people want to see your photograph!" Good grief on a hocky stick with hot sauce." bedeep
This made me laugh out loud! Good to see you still have a sense of humor. You will love the horses. Better than humans with much to teach us. ♥
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